ALCOHOLIC BEHAVIOR

What makes us drink?

Why did we become alcoholic? Why are we irresponsible?

Why did he drive drunk?

Why don't we just quit? The whys behind alcoholic behavior. Irresponsible alcoholic behavior. Our characteristics. Our weakness, if you will power (little play with words), otherwise known as our behavior.

What comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Alcoholics are severely judged by their behavior. Remember, we are probably violent, definitely irresponsible, so weak-willed we just can't seem to get a grip. We have the self-discipline of a jellyfish (sea amoebas and me, tight as they get). We are all these things, and that's why we drink?

Right from the Big Book we are told:

Our (your and my) willpower is practically nonexistent.

We are "such unfortunates, and are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty," that…

We (you and I) "cannot manage our own lives."

Is that why we drink irresponsibly?

Or—WE DRINK, LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD DOES, AND WE BECOME ALL THESE THINGS… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Here we go. Hang on tight, because we are about to get into some heavy-duty "murky" white-water rafting. This is where staunch recovery people really get mad and pull out all the low-rent sober stops.

It's here in our sober why discussion that you can expect protests, yelling, screaming, and mad, mad, mad… because when it's even suggested that alcohol creates the behavior that we are so arrested, tried, and convicted by, it makes people nuts. It cracks the foundation of the recovery community. It puts a whole lot of people—their jobs, egos, and reputations—on the line (and those boys in Congress don't like that). It exposes your doctor's complete ignorance and ability to do anything about the 22 million alcoholics in this country that desperately need treatment. It spotlights AA's involvement in the ignorance of current recovery thinking and their desire to stay there ... It basically blows the whole damn thing to pieces.

But we gotta do it if you want the answer to why you have been so afraid to say the words I'm alcoholic.

Bad behavior isn't the cause of our drinking. We don't drink because we are running from some emotional problem. Our drinking has nothing on the planet to do with not being able to handle our lives. Our emotions and our alcoholic drinking don't have anything to do with each other as the cause for alcoholism. They certainly are tied together by the time this disease gets you by the throat, but our bad, impaired judgment, stupid decisions, fear, lying, shame, hiding are all the consequences of our disease.

Like the attack of the heart for the heart patient, our behavior comes with the disease.

It's as inevitable as the rolls on the stomach of the person who eats a ton of fat and doesn't exercise.

No different from the seizure of the diabetic, who hasn't managed his or her disease.

It comes with it… part and parcel… a given… the inevitable.

Facts are:

"Alcoholism is known to be a true physical disease which transforms its victims leaving them with little or no control over their behavior.”

"In medical language I consider drunkness to be a disease produced by remote cause and giving birth to actions that disorder the functions of health.”

"[Alcoholics] are ill and victims of chemical changes they cannot control.”

“Personality changes are a result of alterations in normal brain chemistry caused by heavy drinking"

But the "current-beneath-the-surface" thinking about alcoholism is that there are certain types, behavioral similarities, certain personalities, etc., that create the alcoholic, cause alcoholism, or can explain the reason the drinking got soooo very out of control.

I was with someone the other day, a wonderful woman (a friend, very, very educated, unbelievably involved in the recovery community), a major speaker in AA all over L.A. (Listen to how that sounds—AA, L.A., AA, L.A. So? Why did I even bring that up? Who knows? But onward…) Both of us are forty-plus women (that's not a size, that's an age), support ourselves. She's been enormously successful, she's bright, funny, and charming (I'd say we have a lot in common so far? Joking!), and we are both alcoholics.

She has handed her power over, knows that she will meet for the rest of her life, has surrendered to such a high power, don't ask!

We are both alcoholic and we think differently about recovery. She knows how strongly I feel about the importance of biochemical support during recovery and my beliefs that the treatment for the disease of alcoholism should be available to everyone suffering.

But, remember we are both such Cosmo, nineties women who are interested in opening the gateways of communication in recovery and getting people what they need to stay sober. SO, FINE. That's it. Not a problem. We've had twelve thousand conversations and never a momerit of anything but love and respect till the other day, when one statement, one damn statement, created more tension than all twelve thousand conversations we've had in the past combined could have ever created.

My friend was talking about alcoholics and she said, "You know the typical characteristics of an alcoholic behavior."

And I said, "There is no such thing as typical characteristics of alcoholic behavior." FROZEN…

Such tension you couldn't imagine. She was pissed (not drunk—mad). She couldn't believe that I could make a statement like that.

We had our moment. I wasn't budging (and neither will you once you've got the information that I've got). She made a face that made it clear that she was going to "tolerate" my comment and let it slide by for whatever reason.

I walked away fascinated at the power of this one thing, "The Behavior-of-an-Alcoholic Discussion." The one that gets us into issues like

Why "we" choose to drink.

Why "we" let it get out of control.

What's wrong with us that isn't wrong with people who can control their drinking?

How did it happen?

Why can't he just come home at night instead of going out and drinking?

What would make her think she could get into that car and drive after having had so many drinks?

Who would ever, ever drink with a new baby?

Oh, my God, how could they?

The best place for me to speak from, right now, is my own.

I am not an irresponsible human being. But I've done things drunk that are incredibly irresponsible.

I believe driving drunk is wrong. I would never, ever, ever put anyone in danger… except after a few beers.

Here's what I am. I'm a mother, a writer, an alcoholic, a businesswoman, a friend, a daughter, an alcoholic, a sister, an alcoholic… I am all those things. One of which is an alcoholic.

Nobody made that more clear to me than Rusty during one of our discussions about shame. The shame I used to feel about "having this thing," being an alcoholic! Maybe the same shame you feel at "just not being able to handle it?"

Well, whenever I'd get the horrible sick feeling I used to get…(I still do once in a while. The other day I'm unpacking a box—just moved, you know, and dying is easier than moving a home and a family—and came across a tape of a party that I went to when I was still drinking. I almost puked. Didn't feel too much better two years later than I did when I put the tape away and chose not to think about it. OH HOW MUCH FUN WRITING THIS BOOK CAN BE AT TIMES!)

When I think back on some of the things "I did" that were so stupid and put sooo much at risk, it takes just seconds to get right back to feeling like a complete idiot. How could I have acted that way??? The deep, deep shame that's connected to drunk behavior can be conjured up in seconds. It's all easy to do because drunk behavior is stupid behavior.

It was Rusty who cleared it all up for me. When I told her how I was feeling, she said: "Susan, you are the farthest thing from an idiot. You couldn't be an idiot if you tried. You are smart, you are funny, you are talented, you are the best mother, you are a wonderful friend. You are no idiot."

Isn't it lovely to have someone who knows you so well? (Just a joke again.)

I thanked her—prematurely, because she was in the beginning of her next sentence by the time the thanks came out of my mouth.

She's saying, "But you drunk? OH, MY GOD, you're a fool!!!"

OK, drunk behavior is stupid behavior. I'm there and ready to take full responsibility.

"You are one of the smartest people I've met, but when you are drinking, you are stupid. Yeah, I'd say drinking makes you stupid, Susan!"

OUCH! Tough love can hurt (probably why they call it tough), but I can take it.

"It made you KINDA gooney…"

Thanks for coming, Rus. Now, about that meeting I'm sure you have to get to right away…

"You make stupid decisions because it isn't you making them. It's the alcohol, that beast, the monster that takes over your body. You look stupid, you act stupid, you say stupid things…"

All righty, Rus, appreciate it, talk to ya soon… Get outta here, you sponsor, you!

YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK, but true!

You don't drink because you are a bad person, or because you have certain emotional characteristics (although you've got a few physical characteristics of your disease— we all do), and you certainly don't drink because you can't manage your life.

You don't want to drive drunk, but you do.

It isn't you that is a slurring, sloppy fool. It's you drunk.

You may be an idiot sober. If so, you can bet your ass that you are a bigger idiot drunk.

If you drunk is a caricature of yourself, then alcohol would be the artist with the pen in its hands, drawing a distorted, cartoon version of who you really are.

*7\249\2*

Anti-alcoholism